Lies Men Tell Women （English)
But there are crucial differences in the lies women and men tell. A study by psychologist Bella M. DePaulo of the University of Virginia found that when women lie, they tend to focus on making others feel better -- such as the woman who tells her hostess that dinner is "simply delicious" even as she cringes with every mouthful.
At the heart of many men's lies, however, is the male ego. Men lie to build themselves up or to conceal something, DePaulo says. According to psychologist Michael Lewis in the book Lying and Deception in Everyday Life, men are more likely to lie to enhance themselves than women are.
But consistent lying -- even about minor matters -- can unglue a marriage. Women need to know what kind of lies to watch for, when to accept the lies and when to call a partner's bluff. Here, from my own experience and surveys, are some of the most common lies men tell women:
"Me? I graduated top of my class."
This is a classic case of the runaway male ego, designed to present a man in the best light and impress a woman. When the lies continue into marriage, it's not long before the truth will out.
Playwright Neil Simon recalls what happened after his first hit play, Come Blow Your Horn. Every morning he'd leave for his office, telling his wife he was writing his next play. In fact, Simon had become so engrossed in a dart game he'd devised that he had not written a word. "For two months I lied to Joan," he wrote later. "I told her the new play I was feverishly working on was coming along nicely."
Men have a hard time admitting failure. How our culture defines success is important to a man, so he assumes it's important to his partner.
Normally, as trust builds, a man drops these types of lies. If he doesn't, his spouse needs to be careful. A man who can't be honest about his failures -- at work or elsewhere -- may end up blaming his wife when the going gets tough in their marriage.
"Of course I like your friends!"
The lies to make a woman fall in love or stay in love account for many truth-stretchers. In one study, psychologist William Tooke and an assistant at the State University of New York College at Plattsburgh asked 110 students at the university to look at 88 deceptive tactics -- such as inflating one's accomplishments and wearing designer clothes to appear wealthy -- and reveal how often they were used in their own relationships. Men were significantly more likely than women to use such deceptions.
A man I know told his girlfriend, "You're a great cook -- much better than my mother." In fact, his mother is a chef at a well-known New York restaurant. Fortunately for him, by the time his girlfriend discovered the truth -- when they dined at his mother's restaurant -- she was so in love that she forgave his overzealous compliment.
Women sometimes aren't as cautious as they should be when flattered. If a man insists that his wife's parents are wonderful, she should observe whether he actually wants to spend time with them. The same applies for her dog, her kids or anything else he says he's crazy about.
Ego-stroking statements that turn out to be total lies may be designed to cover up opposite feelings -- for instance, when a man says he values his wife's work but actually doesn't consider it important. Such lies can signal serious problems ahead, whether it's dealing with child care, vacation plans or career moves.
"Honey, you're the best."
One of the most lied-about subjects has to be sex. Perhaps that's because it's the area where we are most vulnerable. Here again men are likely to lie.
In the first rush of romance it makes sense for a man to engage in exaggerated praise of a woman's beauty and sexuality. But "you're the best" lies can paralyze a relationship.
A male colleague once confided to me that there were things he hated about his wife's lovemaking. But he couldn't bring them up because he'd spent years telling her she was "the greatest" in bed. By continually lying to her, he had placed real limitations on their love life -- and their marriage.
If a woman feels her man is holding back on his true sexual feelings, she needs to encourage him to be open. Talking about her own preferences is a good way to begin. Real intimacy depends on truth -- lovingly told -- especially in the bedroom.
"No, I can't call you. I don't even know where I'll be."
These are the sad lies, the ones he tells because he's falling out of love. The more quickly a woman seeks the truth behind these lies, the sooner she can remedy the relationship -- or, if necessary, end it. As one friend puts it, "I'd rather have the ax fall than slip down the endless slope of uncertainty and frustration."
A wife may not be sure that what her husband is saying means "the end." She should listen closely, not only to what he says, but also to how he says it. According to DePaulo, changes in voice can be significant. She has found that people's voices often get higher or shakier when they lie, and they are more likely to stumble over words.
"That dress isn't too tight. It looks great!"
By and large, these are the good lies -- the ones that show he cares. But kind lies can be too much of a good thing if a man habitually says only what his partner wants to hear. It sets the woman up for rude awakenings.
After all, if the dress she's wearing really is too tight, has he done her a favor? Far better is the tactful truth: "I usually love what you wear, honey, but it just doesn't look quite as good this time."
Of course, the woman has to mean it when she says she wants the truth. A woman once told sociologist Annette Lawson, "I made him swear always to tell the truth. I promised him I would never resent it, no matter how unbearable, how harsh, how cruel. How could he think I meant it?"
"They're downsizing at work. But don't worry. They won't get me."
Many men still feel paternalistic about the women they love, so they lie to spare them worry. But these lies can destroy the very sense of confidence that the man hoped to create. And they can make a woman feel she is not a respected partner in the relationship.
She can demand a halt to these lies only if she isn't engaging in them herself. One couple, both midlevel executives, were worried about losing their jobs, but neither wanted to worry the other. She waited until her husband was asleep to write job applications. He bought a second copy of the newspaper so he could circle employment ads. But the secrecy exacted a price. Eventually the wife began to wonder if her husband was having an affair.
Then one day the husband arrived ahead of schedule for an appointment with a headhunter. "There's another candidate with her now," the receptionist said. It was his wife.
Learning the truth helped the couple begin supporting instead of "protecting" each other. The burden lifted, and their marriage stayed on track. Incidentally, neither of them was fired.
"Sure, I'll mow the lawn -- as soon as this crick in my back goes away."
There are few things that trouble a man more than a woman's anger -- or nagging, as he calls it -- so he lies to avoid a scene. It is in "hassle-prevention lying" that men can demonstrate their greatest versatility.
"I'll take the kids to the park -- when the weather gets nicer," he says as he goes out the door with golf clubs. "I would have scrubbed the pots, but I couldn't find the scouring pads" -- never looking under the sink.
I know of a young man in New York City who forgot his girlfriend's birthday. When she confronted him, he claimed he'd planned a surprise all along. He grabbed the phone, called a home-shopping network and berated the representative for not sending the expensive gift he'd ordered. "If you can't do better than this, I'll tear up my membership card!" he shouted. Of course, the man didn't have a card and had never ordered a gift.
If hassle-prevention lies are occasional, the woman can ignore them. But if they form a pattern, she needs to look at what the real problems are.
In his book The Varnished Truth, David Nyberg, professor of education at State University of New York at Buffalo, states, "Occasionally there is a lot to lose by telling the truth, and something to be gained by not telling the truth." Still, it's important to remember that lies are at heart deceptions, and repeated deceptions destroy intimacy.
Real intimacy is only possible to the degree that we can be honest about what we are doing and feeling. When lying comes to predominate in a marriage, the relationship begins to deteriorate. A husband and wife can sense the trust erode, and feel their hearts growing colder.
The healing oxygen is truth. A woman who is hearing too many lies needs to have a serious discussion with her husband. She should stress she's ready to listen, and ask him to present his thoughts in a caring manner.
Men, for their part, need to develop the courage to drop the defense mechanisms that bolster their egos and pride, and search for true intimacy with their mates. Telling the truth to a spouse is the first step toward showing that love is more important than lies.
男人和女人在说谎上面存在着很大的不同。弗吉尼亚大学心理学家Bella M. DePaulo研究发现女人撒谎往往能让人产生更好的感觉，比如说一个女人到女主人家做客，席间夸赞晚饭是多么的“味道清淡但很利口”一边说，一边把腮帮子填得满满的。
DePaulo说，男人撒谎的主要心理支持乃是大男子主义。男人通过撒谎来证明自己的强大或者通过撒谎来隐瞒一些事情。心理学家Michael Lewis在其著作《离不开的谎言与欺骗》中阐明，男人较之女人更倾向通过说谎达到增强自我形象的目的。
但是一些小事上惹出的连篇谎话都能导致婚姻搁浅。女人需要知道什么样的谎言要引起注意，何时接受男人说给自己的谎言，还有何时揭穿男人的骗局。这里根据本人的亲身体会与研究发现，特此列举一些男人最经常说的谎话。
l “我？毕业成绩在班里是数得着的。”
这句话经典地完美地再现了男人的好胜心，这样说正是为了把他最好的一面展示给女人并给她留下很深的印象。而当男人的谎言伴随他一起走进婚姻后，那么离真相也就不远了。
剧作家尼尔·西蒙回忆起他创作完第一部卖座剧作Come Blow Your Horn发生的点点滴滴。每天早晨离开家上班前都会对妻子说他正在忙着下一个剧本的创作，事实上，那段时间天天沉迷于飞镖游戏，竟然一字未出。“我骗了乔安两个月，”他后来写到。“我告诉她这部让人费心劳力的新作马上就要顺利收工啦。”
要男人承认失败并非易事，我们的文化决定了成功对男人来说是多么重要，以至于他们把这种想法也推及他们的伴侣那里。正常情况下，随着信任的逐步建立，男人会慢慢放弃这些谎言。如若不然，做妻子的就要保持警惕了。男人不管在工作中还是其他方面都会有失败的时候，如果一个男人连这样的失败都不愿诚心接受的话，那么以后每逢婚姻出现状况的时候他可能第一个责怪的就是他的妻子。
l “我当然喜欢你的朋友啊！”
很多夸夸其谈的人对那些足以让女人陷入爱河的谎言屡试不爽。纽约州立大学普拉茨堡分校的一项研究对该校110名男女学生做了调查问卷，让他们从如夸大所得成绩和穿着名牌服装以显示尊贵等88种欺骗手法做出选择，研究主要揭示了他们在感情生活中所使用上述手段的频率大小。结果显示，男人比女人更加容易采用这些手段。
我有认识一个男子，他告诉女朋友说，“不当大厨都屈才了，比我妈做的好多了。”实际上，他老妈在纽约一家有名的餐厅做厨师。不过他倒幸运，后来他们一起在男友妈妈的餐厅吃饭事，女友才了解男友骗了她。不过他很幸运，女友大赞妈妈手艺了得，也就没再追究他对自己那不着边际的奉承。女人在受到奉承之后，往往表现的很认真。如果男人坚持说老岳父老岳母是多么多么地和蔼可亲，她会觉得老公是不是很乐意和老人们一起生活。同样道理，说她的狗好就一定是喜欢她的狗，说自己的孩子好那么一定喜欢和孩子们玩耍了。总之，只要男人说对什么疯狂，女人就觉得他一定很喜欢。
自我感觉良好的说辞最终演变成了十足的谎言，也仿佛正是为遮掩相反感情绪而生的。打个比方，男人口口声声说老婆的工作如何地有价值而心里却认为用处不大。这些谎话为将来夫妻双方可能出现的问题埋下了定时炸弹，不管是教育孩子，制定假期计划还是工作变迁。
“宝贝，你是最好的。”
男人最容易扯谎的一个地方就是性，之所以是性，恐怕和人类在方面很脆弱有一定关系。男人啊，说来就来了。恋情的初期，男人需要时不时对女性的美和性感大加赞扬，这点对男人来说很重要。然而，一句“你是最好的”却能使一段感情夭折。
我的一个男性同时曾经向我吐露，他有多讨厌自己老婆的做爱方式，但是又不能讲出来给她听因为多少年来他都一直夸奖老婆床上功夫是“最棒”的。长此以往，他发现夫妻生活出现了障碍，这种障碍一直延伸到他们的婚姻生活。
如果女人发觉男人在抑制自己的“性趣”时，这时女人需要鼓励男人讲出来。一个好的方法是女人主动说出自己的“爱好”。记住，真正的“亲密无间”是建立在床第间那番交心话的基础之上的。
“这个，不能打给你，还不知道我到时候会在哪呢。”
这样的谎话让人悲伤，那是男人感觉已不再爱她的时候的托辞。女人越早发现谎言背后隐藏的真相，就能越早修复这段失意的感情，如有必要趁早结束之。就像一友人所言，“宁愿快刀斩乱麻，也不拖泥带水受那如坠云端之累。
妻子在听到丈夫说“结束了”的时候或许不知所云，那么她就不仅听清他说了什么，还要听他说话的语气。据DePaulo所说，声音的变化有着非凡的意义。女人应该知道当有人撒谎，他的声调会变得更高更颤，而且说话也别以往要吞吞吐吐，结结巴巴。
l “这件裙子不算很紧，穿上去蛮合身的嘛！”
大体上看，这样的谎话还算是挑不出毛病，起码表明了这男人还是关心自己的。但是善意的谎言说的多了，好事也变成坏事了，比如说男人专捡女人喜欢听的说，时间长了，反倒害女人落下个不明事理的毛病。
要是裙子穿身上的确太紧，男人就不能帮她一个忙么？给她一个有技术含量的建议比什么都重要：“平时你穿什么我都喜欢，不过宝贝儿，这件裙子穿上去的效果和你原来的的确有点距离。”
当然，在女人说她想知道事实的时候，她绝对是认真的。有个女人曾经向社会学家Annette Lawson这样说道，“我逼着他发誓说的都是事实，我也向他保证听了之后决不怨他，不管话有多么让人难以接受，多么严厉刻薄，甚至多么残忍不人道。而他知道我是认真的之后又会怎么想呢？”
l “公司正在裁员，不过别担心，轮不到我头上。”
很多男人对他们爱的女人就像父母对孩子一样，他们选择欺骗就是为了不让她们担心。但也正因为这些谎言足以摧毁男人希望建立一切自信的内核，同样，他们这样做也使女人感到自己在婚姻中没有得到有效的尊重。
只要女人自己不卷入其中，这些谎言便能不近其身。有一对夫妇，两人都是中层管理人员，两人又都担心自己失业，同时两人还都不愿让另一方担心。结果，妻子等丈夫睡着了开始写求职意向书；丈夫则多订阅一份报纸为了能圈下上面的招工广告。彼此间的隐瞒付出了沉重的代价。最终，妻子开始怀疑自己的丈夫有了外遇。
一天，丈夫约好了一家猎头公司并提前赴约。到了后，只听见接待员说了声“又来了一位应选人，”结果发现坐在那里的是自己老婆。汲取了这个教训，夫妇二人从“保护”彼此转到支持彼此。包袱卸下来后，他们的婚姻也步入了正规。说来凑巧，两人的工作都没丢。
l “好，这就割草坪去，等背不疼了就去。”
没什么比女人生气更让男人头疼的了，按男人的说法就是唠叨。所以撒个谎好逃避女人的唠叨。对于这种“省得磨嘴皮子的谎话”男人们可谓将其发挥到了极致。“我一会带孩子去公园，只要天气再好点的话，”男人一边说一边扛着高尔夫球杆就走出了家门。“我本来要擦擦盆盆罐罐的，可是没能找到清洁球”——也不看看水槽地下放的是什么！（暗指男人根本就是在撒谎）
在纽约我认识一个年轻人，这个年轻人忘记了自己女友的生日，怎么办呢？一遇见女友，他就说他准备这个惊喜已经好长时间了，说着抓起电话就是一通乱拨，拨通了一家家庭网店的电话，不由分说地就是一顿狂骂，骂人家怎么没把自己预定好的贵重礼物及时送到。“要是生意都像你们这个做法，我留个会员卡有个屁用啊！”他怒号着。自然，他根本没有会员卡，也从来没给女友预定过什么贵重的礼物。
这种“省得磨嘴皮子的谎言”如果是一次两次，女人也不会很上心，可是眼瞅着这种谎话具有相当的“规模”，女人是时候来一次“明察秋毫”了。
纽约州立大学水牛城分校教育学院教授David Nyberg在其《消失的真相》一书中这样说到：“有时说实话能失去很多，而有时讲假话却能得到弥补疏漏，”不过还要记住谎话终究是欺骗人的，反复的欺骗会窒息亲密。
只有在我们对自己所作所为表示诚意的时候，真正的亲密才可能出现。一旦欺骗占据了婚姻的主导地位，那么夫妻关系变会变质恶化。丈夫和妻子都能感受到信任在离自己一步步远去，感受的到自己的内心变得越来越冷淡。
这时候，真相宛如一股抚慰伤口的暖流沁入心间。听惯了谎话的女人需要静下心来和丈夫认真谈谈，她应该强调自己准备好来自他的真正评价，并要求他诉说他的想法的同时尽量语气中和，还要充满关心。
从男人一方来讲，他们要鼓起勇气放下那套以自我为中心，傲慢无礼的架子，和伴侣一起寻找真正的亲密无间。那么请对你的伴偶说真话吧，走好这第一步，以后你会发现爱远比谎言重要的多。
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