One of the best things about Charlie is he doesn't hover. He left me
alone to unpack and get settled, a feat that would have been altogether
impossible for my mother. It was nice to be alone, not to have to smile
and look pleased; a relief to stare dejectedly out the window at the
sheeting rain and let just a few tears escape. I wasn't in the mood to go
on a real crying jag. I would save that for bedtime, when I would have to
think about the coming morning.

Forks High School had a frightening total of only three hundred and
fifty-seven — now fifty-eight — students; there were more than seven
hundred people in my junior class alone back home. All of the kids here
had grown up together — their grandparents had been toddlers together.

I would be the new girl from the big city, a curiosity, a freak.

Maybe, if I looked like a girl from Phoenix should, I could work this to

my advantage. But physically, I'd never fit in anywhere. I should be tan,
sporty, blond — a volleyball player, or a cheerleader, perhaps — all the
things that go with living in the valley of the sun.

Instead, I was ivory-skinned, without even the excuse of blue eyes or red
hair, despite the constant sunshine. I had always been slender, but soft
somehow, obviously not an athlete; I didn't have the necessary hand-eye
coordination to play sports without humiliating myself — and harming both
myself and anyone else who stood too close.

When I finished putting my clothes in the old pine dresser, I took my bag
of bathroom necessities and went to the communal bathroom to clean myself
up after the day of travel. I looked at my face in the mirror as I
brushed through my tangled, damp hair. Maybe it was the light, but
already I looked sallower, unhealthy. My skin could be pretty — it was
very clear, almost translucent-looking — but it all depended on color. I
had no color here.

Facing my pallid reflection in the mirror, I was forced to admit that I
was lying to myself. It wasn't just physically that I'd never fit in. And
if I couldn't find a niche in a school with three thousand people, what
were my chances here?

I didn't relate well to people my age. Maybe the truth was that I didn't
relate well to people, period. Even my mother, who I was closer to than
anyone else on the planet, was never in harmony with me, never on exactly
the same page. Sometimes I wondered if I was seeing the same things
through my eyes that the rest of the world was seeing through theirs.
Maybe there was a glitch in my brain. But the cause didn't matter. All
that mattered was the effect. And tomorrow would be just the beginning.

I didn't sleep well that night, even after I was done crying. The
constant whooshing of the rain and wind across the roof wouldn't fade
into the background. I pulled the faded old quilt over my head, and later
added the pillow, too. But I couldn't fall asleep until after midnight,
when the rain finally settled into a quieter drizzle.

初见（4）

    查理最大的优点之一就是爽快。他让我自己整理行李，这要是换了我母亲，是万万不可能的事情。一个人袋着真好，不必面露微笑让自己看起来很愉快；沮丧地凝视着窗外如注的大雨，掉几滴眼泪是一种解脱。我没有痛痛快快大哭一场的心境，我会把它留到睡觉的时候，因为那个时候，我将不得不想一想来日的早上。

    福克斯高中部总共仅有357个——当然，现在是358个学生，这实在令人吃惊；而我家那里仅初中部就超过700人，这里所有的孩子都是一起长大的——他们的爷爷奶奶在蹒跚学步的时候就在一起。我将成为从大城市新来的女孩，一个稀奇罕见、行为怪异的另类。

    或许，要是我有一副凤凰城女孩子应有的模样，我可以将它变成我的优势。可身体不争气，我到哪儿都不适应。按说我应该是晒得黑黑的，像运动员，比方说，排球运动员啦，啦啦队长什么的，或许应该具有与住在阳光之谷的人相称的所有特点。

    恰恰相反，我看上去皮肤苍白,甚至不是因为蓝眼睛或红头发之类的反衬，尽管天天在晒太阳。我虽然一直很苗条，但不知怎么搞的，老是松松垮垮的，一看就不是运动员；我手眼的协调性很差，做运动时很难不出洋相，不伤到自己和站得离自己太近的人。

    把衣服放进了我那口破旧的松木穿衣柜后，我拿起我的那袋浴室用品，去了那间公共浴室，洗去了这一天旅行下来的风尘。梳理那头缠结在一起的湿漉漉的头发时，我照了照镜子。也许是因为光线的缘故，我看上去已经越发发灰发黄、有点不健康了。我的皮肤本来可以很漂亮的——非常亮，几乎透明——只可惜它的颜色发暗了。我到了这里变得黯然无色了。

    面对镜子里苍白的自己，我不得不承认是在欺骗自己。我到哪儿都不适应的，不单单是身体方面。如果我在3000人的学校里都找不到一个容身之所，那么在这里又能有什么机会呢？

    我跟自己的同龄人相处不好。或许，事实是我跟谁都相处不好，就这么回事。就连我妈妈，这个世界上比谁都亲的人，都没有跟我融洽过一回，从来都没有意见完全一致过。有时候，我在想我眼里所看到的和世上所有其他人眼里看到的是不是同样的东西。也许，我脑袋里哪里短路。

    不过原因并不重要，重要的是结果。明天不过是刚刚开始。

    那天晚上我没睡好，就连哭完之后也没睡好。房顶上扫过的风雨声，嗖嗖地一阵紧似一阵，根本就没有减弱成背景音的意思。我把褪了色的旧棉被拽上来蒙住了脑袋，后来又在上面加了个枕头。可我还是直到后半夜，等雨好不容易减弱成了毛毛小雨时才入睡。